Bear in the Big Blue House Live
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Sometimes, I review live shows for children. Why? I don’t know. There are good ones like Pororo the Little Penguin, and bad ones like Barney. But which category does a bear and his animal friends fit in? Hell, if I know! But I know you want me to review something. So, here is Bear in the Big Blue House Live! (The main theme from the show starts as clips from the live show begin to play) G-man (V.O): Up there with Blue’s Clues, I used to watch this show all the time whenever it was on! And honestly, I had no idea there was a live show until recently. If you’re expecting something annoying like Barney, then click away now, because I still love this show! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, let’s get this live show on the road! This is Bear in the Big Blue House Live! (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): After a brief montage of clips that we’re just gonna see later on, we see the only complaint that I have for this: (A woman runs onstage) Yep. That’s an adult. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Unlike the Barney shows where they used children, I’m actually surprised that grown men and women are onstage in a live show targeted towards kids. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a good idea in terms of acting, but I’m just confused as fuck! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): The human actors are Shay, Sabra, Anthony, and Josh. All of whom are here for no apparent reason other than for song numbers. Anthony: Hey, guys! Are you ready to meet Bear and all his friends? (Cut to a clip from the animated Street Fighter series) M. Bison: Yes! Yes! (Cut back to the play) Sabra: We’ve been traveling a lot lately. Visiting friends all across the country! So, Bear likes to catch up on his nap time whenever he can, but he told me to wake him up just as soon as you all got here! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Whoa! Hey! Bad idea! Haven’t you read the book? It’s called (Cut to the fake book cover for…) Don’t Fuck with a Grizzly Bear While It’s Sleeping! (Cut back to the G-man) It’s by Dr. Seuss. How could you forget that? (Cut back to the play) Josh: Okay, listen up; on the count of three, I need you all to yell "Hey, Bear!". Are you guys ready? All four: One, two, three! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Get the hell up! It’s World War Three! (Cut back to the play. Bear walks onstage) Bear: Oh! Hi there! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Thank God he’s up or else I’d have to resort to World War Six! It’s a war so intense, it skips over the other three wars! (Cut back to the play) Bear: Wait a second… (He sniffs around) Hey, what’s that? Others: What’s what? Bear: That smell! (He sniffs some more) Oooh! It smells like it’s coming from out there! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What? Me? But I don’t- (He stops and sniffs his right armpit) Shit, how did he know? (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): A song starts here, and as always, we’ll skip it. And next we move onto- (Ray appears) What the hell is that?! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Why the hell does Ray, yes that’s his name, look stoned off his ass? I’m surprised that backstage he’s not having the munchies! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): We’ll skip this song, too. But like hell am I skipping the opening theme! Bear (Singing): Welcome to the Blue House! Tutter (Singing): Hello from the small mouse! Bear (Singing): Things to do! Pip and Pop (Singing): Fun for you! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Now, I’m not going to hate on this song. In fact, I still know the words! If you’re thinking that I should riff on this, go play a nice game of Hide and Go Fuck Yourself! (Cut back to the play) Bear: Say… You know my friends, don’t you? (The audience cheers) Wow! It sure sounds like you do! G-man (V.O): A song starts that introduces Bear’s friends, but if you already know it, you’ll know that Tutter isn’t even mentioned! What, was he backstage like: (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (As Tutter): What the hell, Bear?! It’s a live show in front of your fans, and you have the nerve to not include little old me?! Sheesh! Can’t a mouse get a little respect?! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O in normal voice): Speaking of which, it’s Tutter’s birthday today, and Bear is waiting for a package to arrive. What is it, you ask? Bear: A subscription to the Cheese of the Month Club. Along with the first month’s cheese: Camembert! He’s gonna love it! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That pun got a laugh, people! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Another song starts here, but again, we’ll skip it. And after some kids describe what it feels like to get mail, we move along. Bear: Remember, don’t say a thing to Tu- (He notices Tutter) Tutter?! (He screams, then Tutter, and then the both of them scream at the same time. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What? Do you really expect me to scream? (He sighs) Fine… (He points upwards as the Wilhelm scream plays. Cut back to the play) Bear: Tutter, you surprised me! Tutter: Surprised you? What about me? My poor little mouse heart’s beating so fast! You know, a little surprise for a bear is a big, BIG surprise for a mouse! G-man (V.O): And that, kids, is why perspectives are important! Anyway, after Bear leaves, Tutter starts singing a surprisingly-depressing song about birthdays! Seriously, its so out of place in this happy play about Bear in the Goddamn Big Blue House! (Cut to after the song) Bear: Gee, I really wanted to tell Tutter about the party. Didn’t you? Well, that’s the hard part about a surprise party. You can’t tell the person you’re surprising, or it won’t be a surprise. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, thank you for clarifying! It really helps the two-year-olds, sometimes the abysmal one, it’s really helpful! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After a pointless song about love, Bear and his friends plan on what each of them can do to help get ready. Bear: Oh, yes! We want to do all that, but to get ready, we are going to need to work together and cooperate! Pip and Pop (Simultaneously): Oooh! Cooperation! (Bear suddenly starts singing. Cut back to the G-man who is now wearing a baseball cap) G-man: Seriously, does everyone sing at the drop of a hat?! Sometimes, if a hat literally drops? (He takes off his baseball cap and drops it on the floor. The opening to Carnival Phantasm plays briefly before we cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Pip and Pop are in charge of setting up the decorations, Ojo’s baking the cake, and Treelo’s wrapping the present. Also, is it just me, or can you not understand a damn word he’s saying? (Cut to a short montage of Treelo speaking incoherently. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: You need to annunciate! Achmed the Dead Terrorist has no lips and even HE can annunciate! (Cut back to the play) Bear: You know, birthdays are really important because it means you’re growing up! Which is a really good thing. And, if we didn’t grow up, we’d all still be little babies! Say, were you ever a baby? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Of course, I was! Caillou, as well. I mean, he’s STILL a baby! (A punchline rimshot is heard before we cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Another song? For real? Look, I’m not talking trash about the show, I love it! It’s just that they sing way too often! How would you like it if in the middle of this review we-? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Singing): Shot through the heart! And you’re to blame! You give love a bad name! I play my part, and you play your game! Darling, you give love a bad name! (Cut back to the play after the song ends) Bear: Hey, are there any babies here to today? G-man (V.O talking): I’ve got one right here! Tattletail (V.O): Me Tattletail! Me love you! G-man (V.O): Good for you. Anyway, after a song we’ve already heard before, we head to the kitchen to see how Ojo is coming along with the cake. Bear: Well, hello, Ojo! Ojo: No no no, Bear. I’m not Ojo! Bear: You’re not? Ojo: No, Bear! (In French accent) I’m ze French chef, Ojo. Master of making ze cake, no? (Cut to a clip from Hotel Mario) Mario: No. (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Another song we can skip? Don’t mind if I do! Ojo: You know what, Bear? I really love baking! The flour, the yeast, the bubble-gum… Bear: Bubble-gum? (A pink balloon acting as a bubble-gum bubble appears in the mixing bowl and pops. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Damn, Ojo! Gordon Ramsey will have a field day with you! (He realizes something) Aw, great! Now I’m forced to make this joke: (Cut to a clip from Hell’s Kitchen) Gordon: Where’s the lamb sauce?! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: You’re killin’ me, Smalls! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Next, we check on Pip and Pop. And they’re doing… (Pip and Pop are tangled in streamers) Mediocre. Bear: Um… Pip, Pop, how’s the decorating going? Pip and Pop (Simultaneously): Fine… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Now, I know bullshit when I see it. And that, my friends, is bullshit! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): And we’ve got another song to skip. Okay, honestly, this is getting repetitive! All of these songs, yes, every single one, have no point whatsoever! They just sing whenever they damn well feel like it! (Cut to after the song) Tutter: Hello, hello, Bear! Hello, everybody! Bear: Hello, Tutter! Tutter: I was just wondering- I mean, I was wondering; just what was that sound? (To the audience) Did any of you hear a balloon pop? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Noooo… (A balloon floats upwards behind the G-man. After a while, he speaks) Okay, maybe. (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After that bit of mahogany, we check on Treelo. (Bear screams, then Treelo, and then the both of them scream at the same time. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Is that supposed to be a running gag? If so, its only used three times throughout the entire play! That’s like if- (The Tumblr logo rolls across the G-man’s desk) Oh, hey! Tumblr! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Up next is a song about sharing. And seeing as how the obvious thing to do is to skip it, I’m instead going to cut to this mini-roast. (Cut to a picture of Pit from Kid Icarus Uprising with the text "CAN’T READ" in all capital letters at the bottom. The G-man’s voice is heard over it) G-man (V.O as Pit): What’s up? I’m Pit, and I never fucking learned how to read! (Cut back to the play) Bear: Hey, did you hear that? (The sound of Shadow laughing is heard) I know that laugh! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (In normal voice): Okay, as a kid, I was TERRIFIED of Shadow! Every time she came on screen, I lost my shit and turned the TV right off! But this time, I think I can stand it. I can do this! (Cut back to the play. Shadow appears) Bear: Shadow, there you are! Shadow: Hey, you big old bear! I’m right here! (Cut back to the G-man hiding behind his chair) G-man: I lied. I can’t do this! Fuck that! (Cut back to the play) Bear: I think I smell… (He sniffs) A birthday! Out there! (Cut) Does anyone in the audience have a birthday today? Or soon? Raise your hand if you do! (Cut back to the G-man. Pivot pops up from the right side of the screen and raises his hand) G-man: I thought your birthday was last week. Pivot: Uh… (He raises his hand higher as if giving the air a high-five) High-five, God! (The G-man facepalms before we cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): This next part is here for no reason whatsoever. They just bring a couple of kids onstage and sing Happy Birthday to them. I’m not trying to riff on this scene as it’s a special moment for the kids, but technically, its just padding. Anyway, it’s now time for Tutter’s surprise party. After a brief interaction after that stupid running gag repeats one last time, we go inside to finish getting ready. Bear: But you know, I think there’s one thing missing. Everyone else: Huh? Bear: It’s somebody really important that you can’t have a birthday party without. (Cut to a bit later in the play) Pip: Wait a minute, decorations, cake, present. That’s a party! (He stutters a bit) Who’s not here? Bear: We need Tutter! The birthday mouse! Everyone else: Oh, yeah! Let’s surprise Tutter! Bear: Okay, we’ve all got to this together. (To the audience) Are you ready to help us? (The audience agrees) When you see Tutter, yell "Surprise!", okay? (Cut to a bit later in the play. The lights are turned off as Tutter enters the room) Tutter: Hey, why are all the lights off? What’s with the lights?! Bear? Pip? Pop? Ojo? Treelo? Bear: Okay, ready, everybody? One, two, three! (Cut to a clip from Dexter) Doakes: Surprise, motherfucker! (Cut back to the play) Tutter: A surprise birthday party for me? I am so surprised! I-I… I don’t know what to say! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: How about "Thank you!", or "You remembered!", or even "What the hell? I almost had a damn heart attack!"? The possibilities are endless! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After singing the happy birthday song, amongst other things, we sing the goodbye song with Luna, and that’s the end! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And that was Bear in the Big Blue House Live! Now, let me get things straight: Even though I riffed on its songs a bit, I still think it’s a good show for kids! Sure, the songs are repetitive and Shadow’s a thing, but I love it nonetheless! Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode